8 surprising ways negotiation principles help you outside of the deals you do for your company
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great”
– Mark Twain
As a self-confessed personal development junkie with a passion for developing self-leadership, I’m always looking to see how the dots in life connect and how I can integrate wisdom from the greats to create more meaningful impact in the way I live my life.
What came as a surprise to me was how much the principles of skilled negotiation can also help live a better, richer (pun intended) life!
There are so many principles I could talk about, but here are 8 that particularly resonate:
1. You are much more equal than you think you are
Remembering this principle in negotiation is necessary so that you retain your own sense of power and don’t feel intimated by the perceived power you believe the other party has. It’s easy to credit the other party with having more power than you, but when you bring this principle to mind it serves to ground you and remind you that you are dealing with just another human – one who has concerns, fears and hopes just like you.
In life it’s easy to spend your time comparing yourself to others, feeling in awe of someone and at the same time feeling inadequate as you try and measure yourself to the external picture that may be presented by them.
It can be easy to kid yourself that these humans are superhuman and that they perhaps have some secret sauce that you are missing, but the truth is that you are more equal than you think you are.
They too have dreams and fears and will experience challenges in their life, and at some point along the journey will also battle their inner critic to create the life they want.
Once you start believing that you are much more equal than you think, you can ground yourself in your personal power and know that you are no less capable of creating the life you want.
2. You are in charge
In negotiation you must be in charge of the other person, the process and yourself so that you can be in control. What becomes fascinating is taking this principle outside of negotiation and beginning to see clearly how many people aren’t in charge of themselves.
When someone doesn’t do what they say, misses a commitment or perhaps loses their cool - instead of spending time wondering why or attributing their behaviour to their identity, making them wrong – I now just think, “Interesting, you’re clearly not in charge of yourself.”
Equally, if I do the same - and occasionally I do (I'm human) - I acknowledge that I’m not in charge of myself. This takes away the heavy criticism of myself and others and just names it for what it is – not being in charge and therefore not in control – which is much easier to do something about and move onward.
3. People value things that are hard to obtain
Commercial negotiation is a ritual, and satisfaction is delivered through making things hard to obtain. The same is true in life: you often value what you’ve worked hard to get, more so than what has come too easy.
When it comes to your own time, if you are someone that gives it away too easily, always being available to others can lead to people not valuing it.
In realising that people value things that are hard to obtain you recognise that that there is mutual value in setting healthy boundaries around time, ensuring that when you give it to others it delivers satisfaction instead of your generosity engendering greed.
4. Separate your feelings from your behaviours / Be consciously competent
Negotiation is uncomfortable, and as such negotiators must be able to separate their feelings from their behaviours. Being consciously competent in what they say and do is a necessary skill for a commercial negotiator to avoid giving away their power: negotiators are trained to listen and interpret what you say and do.
Being able to separate your feelings from your behaviours enables you to manage your discomfort in any situation and self-regulate your emotions while being able to maintain the appropriate behaviour.
Having this ability helps you understand others more easily and spot the discomfort given away through their words and actions. I know I’m more tuned in when friends use soft language, as I now know it’s their way of alleviating discomfort, which enables me explore why they might be uncomfortable and what I can do to help.
5. Don’t say what you can’t do, say what you can do
In negotiations using rejecting language like “can’t do” strangles trust in the relationship with the other party, and generally the atmosphere drops and it feels negative. What I’ve begun to see is that the same is true for our relationship with ourselves. When we tell ourselves we can’t do something we strangle the trust we do have in our own ability, we feel deflated and our energy drops. Our confidence also takes a hit because we’ve made a subconscious decision to view what we can’t do as something fixed, eliminating the possibility of something different being true. In turn, when we focus on what we can do there is more positive optimism, we create possibility for ourselves in new ways and we don’t limit our thinking. Instead we take a growth mindset and a more open and creative way to find ways forward that build our confidence and trust with ourselves.
6. When you want to say yes try saying no
At the end of negotiations when the pressure is on and time is running out, there is a greater tendency to say yes to a proposal instead of holding your nerve and waiting to see what you might get from the other party by hanging tough.
From a broader life perspective, the discomfort of saying no means we find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t want to say yes to, taking on more that we are comfortable with and costing ourselves significantly in time, energy and sometimes well-being. Next time you want to say yes to avoid the discomfort of not pleasing someone, try saying no and see if you could achieve a better outcome for you.
7. You need to be something different not someone different
Negotiators get paid to be uncomfortable. Being a skilled negotiator means adopting behaviours that are appropriate to protect you and your business. While societal values reward you for honesty and openness, in a negotiation that same openness and honesty could put you in danger of being exploited. Putting on your “negotiation jacket” allows to adopt the behaviours appropriate for the circumstance you are in.
Taking this same principle and applying it to everyday life means that when you tell yourself a story that you don’t have the confidence to do something, or that you could never be the person that could speak to a large audience or perhaps run your own business, then it’s time to adorn the appropriate jacket and adopt the behaviours you need. Sometimes life requires us to be something different, not someone different, to get the best outcome we can.
8. You don’t get what you deserve in life you get what you negotiate
In negotiation if you were expecting the other party to look out for your interests, you’d soon be disappointed. While fairness is a value many of us hold dear, it’s not going to maximise the deal in negotiation.
As humans I believe we are all deserving of a healthy, safe and happy life, but as we know we all don’t get what we deserve in life. Instead, it’s about recognising what you want and having the courage to go after it. If you’re waiting for someone else to notice how awesome you are and give you the opportunities that you deserve, you will risk disappointment.
The value you get in life is what you are willing to negotiate for against your inner critic or with your inner cheerleader. Usually, your greatest opponent is yourself.
Negotiation skills, as I’ve found, go far beyond the deals you do for your company. They help you live a better and richer life!
